I know, I’m jumping around topics, or so it seems, but a deeper dive into this blog, once I returned from the PCT journey, it has all been related.
Case in point . . .
I try, in my daily activities, to only do things which add value to my life.
What a friggin’ concept!
Seems logical, right? But think about it for a moment, with your life as the Guiney pig. Do you go through your day only doing things which add value? And obviously, “value” can mean many things and not just monetary . . . but do you?
Go with me on this. I only spend time with people who increase the value of my life. I only do activities which increase my value. I only watch things, do things, and plan things which add value.
Can you say the same because, if you can’t, the next question is why not?
I am the gatekeeper of my life, and I’m borrowing that phrase. Nothing passes the gate without my permission, and that is a conscious choice. And I am willing to bet, right now, some of you are saying “that’s impossible to do, living in a society, interacting with people, with family, with jobs, it is not possible for anyone to do it.”
And I don’t agree with you.
I spent a majority of my life, no exaggeration at all, doing things which I really did not want to do, sprinkled with things, occasionally, which gave me joy. And I submit to you that I was doing things assbackwards. Life should be enjoyed. Life should be about us controlling our own lives. We were not born reactionary slaves, and we certainly should not become slaves to a distorted way of thinking or living.
If a person does not add value to my life, even if that person is a friend, they need not attempt to pass through my gate, cuz’ it ain’t happening. I “talked” with an online friend, via email, about this topic the other day. She said in the last three years she has had to bid farewell to three friends, not as in the farewell of death, but a farewell brought about because those three people did not share her values, and I applaud that. I have done the same thing. I actually have two nieces, women I helped raise when they were kids, who I no longer communicate with. They purposely attempt to bring unhappiness into my life, and that is not allowed with the new Bill.
Yesterday, Christmas, was a perfect example of this gatekeeper philosophy. Once again I did not socialize with extended family. It’s not that I don’t like them, because I do, but I feel uneasy and almost unhappy when I am in a social situation like that, and I no longer am willing to do that to myself just to keep other people happy. Been there, done that, and was miserable in the process.
Politics, religion, rudeness on social media, I refuse to be a part of it, and I’ve had to drop quite a few of my online friends because they refused to be civil in discussions. If you want to deliver downers, go stand on a street corner with the other drug mules. This boy isn’t buying.
I am the gatekeeper of my life and of my happiness.
Say it with me. I am not some leaf blown about by the winds of fate, and to blame any problems on “the fates” or on “bad luck” is an insult to anyone you try to sell that tripe to. I am in control and today I choose to be happy. Period. End of this discussion.
I visited my son yesterday, a nice, two hour chat, a conversation about matters of the heart, well-worth my time, a great way to spend a Christmas. I went for a walk with Bev today, great conversation, serious and lighthearted, covering all manner of what I consider important topics i.e. happiness, future plans, people who bring us joy. Bev and I have great chats, hardly any small talk, usually get down and dirty stuff which has weight and gravitas to it.
Emailed a friend of mine in South Africa, a good friend, a quality human being, a person of compassion and wit, intelligence and empathy, and our emails were filled with issues I crave in conversations, emails written from places of mutual respect and the love of friendship. I have shared other emails with other online friends, Lori, Heidi, Lil Sis, Lea, Chris, Joel, Linda, Paula, Bill, Mike, now that I think of it, probably twenty-five people, easily, who are willing to go beyond the “hey, how ya doing” dribble which passes as conversation these days, goes beyond the memes and emojis, and it warms my heart every time one of those conversations happens, apologies to those I left out, never intentional.
Those people bring value to my life and, thus, are admitted through my gate.
Fakers and shuck-and-jivers need not apply. Take your thirty second soundbite, your marketing tagline, your lets-just-get-it-over-with small talk and peddle that snake oil to someone else.
The gatekeeper is standing guard duty. Only the sincere need attempt to pass.
Are you ready for me to tie this all together?
The wonder of self-awareness is incredible.
The wonder of self-care is liberating.
The wonder . . .
Andrea, you hit the proverbial nail on the head, my friend. For me it is all about not wasting what time I have remaining. Thank you!
I think I can say the same in my personal life to a large extent, but not my working life. The work I do makes a difference, but still I spend too often with people I don’t care about and doing tasks that don’t add value – of course I could leave, but what I would then do is another matter….I think about this more often in terms of not wasting what’s left of my life.
Sis, if you dropped friends, I feel pretty good about the decisions I’ve made. Meet me halfway, be respectful, be honest. I don’t think I ask for much, out of friends or family, and yet . . . well, you know.
Keep doing what you’re doing, Sis. I happen to think you are fabulous.
love from the Frozen North
bill
Rolly, I think that idea that family sticks together through thick and thin is a myth. It certainly wasn’t true in my family. Now my close friends are family, and I am happier than I have ever been.
Thanks, my friend!
GREAT Post, bro!! So much wisdom….so much purpose! Seriously, my friend, I could not agree with you more. Thank you for coming out with your proclamation, simple yet powerful! You gave me the courage to mention that I TOO have “dropped” at the very least, 2 long term friendships due to the very reasons you mention. More importantly for me is that I was angry with myself for not having had the courage and honesty to do it sooner! I will admit to you that I spent some time having a long talk with myself afterward. I asked myself (AND answered, by the way) at least 20 serious questions. “Miss Paula, WHAT the H E L L were you thinking, dealing with all that unnecessary and unwanted DRAMA…..whining, boo-hooing…woe is me crap, for so long.?!”
Well, Congratulations, my friend….to both of us. Amazing, what relief and freedom we have the power to create for ourselves without spending a dime!
Wishing you and that sweet wife of yours, many days of long walks & great conversation, as you continue to enjoy every precious moment! Peace & Love, Big Sis
Hi Bill… I changed my life many years ago. Did it hurt, sure did but over the following years I learned to set up healthy boundaries. The kind of people I value are friends that can simply pick up where you left off and do so with grace, compassion and of course joy.
I am not one to tolerate much anymore, might be just getting old and all. Covid as hard as it was for all of us sadly created wounds between friends and family. Can they be repaired, certainly as long as both parties agree to disagree and get back to loving one another.
Good for you Bill and Bev for setting a standard you can live with and find joy… Blessings and hugs from Canada.
I call that setting boundaries and sticking to them. Bravo to you! I’m sure that wasn’t easy, but it was necessary, and hopefully they all learned by it and they won’t mess with Momma in the future.
The wonder of good housekeeping. This year, after a “bad” Thanksgiving day visit, all the children were kicked out of the house. They were forced to spend the night in a motel. Momma (that’s me) got so sick of their bickering I sent them away and they are banned from visiting until such time that they can get over their past hurts and hang-ups. This year was a quiet, but peaceful Christmas. How’s that for gatekeeping?